Vae Bear's 2nd Birthday....

My "BABY" is turning 2..I'll tell you it sure is more Bitter then sweet!I mean lets face it She is my last child, my last "BABY"..Never to rock another baby in my arms, never to nurse another baby, or listen to them breathe while they sleep.. Doesn't seem fair! There should be like a law that the last baby HAS to get older SLOWER! Okay so I am being dramatic but just can't believe that My Vae is 2..I know she is only 2 so it's not so bad and she does still let me rock her, but for how long? I don't want to lose that "Need" my mommy feeling!! Okay enough with the whining, Laur!

So this beautiful little girl, with spunk and a attitude, but yet so loving and gentle the best of both of my girls put into one and some of the worse too..lol! What a blast these 2 years have been, she has added so much to our family..It's funny how before someone is there you didn't feel like you needed them or were missing anything, but then when they are there, you don't know how you lived without them! That's how I feel about my Vae bear! Love her so much!

She is a cuddler and loves to watch movies, not so much cartoons but she will sit through a whole movie glued to the screen..Big girl movies at that, she was about 7-9 months when she LOVED watching the grinch, now she doesn't like it so much..go figure! Her favorite movie right now is Princess and the frog..She loves mac and cheese and hot dogs..She says some words, and a few sentences like "I get it" or
"I want that" there not clear but I know that is exactly what she is saying..Her Stop sure is clear..lol She sure is a spunky little thing, she has these brows on her that tell you when she is upset! She puts her face and goes to a corner until we give in or she feels like coming out!So stubborn!


We didn't do big party's this year for Ava and Vae...too much right around the holidays so they both had nice little get togethers with a cake and family! Daddy bought the kids Burger king happy meals and he brought BK crowns, gosh you loved that.Wore it in all the pictures..lol It was a nice birthday, Abuelo and Carmen came to spend it with us and we had a nice dinner, I made turkey cause I still had one and since we all love Thanksgiving, we had ourselves another turkey day! It was a awesome day...Happy Birthday to my beautiful 2 year old..**TEAR**


Ava trying to help blow out the candles...lol

Ava's Turkey Day Birthday...

My baby girl, my first born turned 7 today??????? Where is the time going? It's hard to believe that 7 years ago I brought my baby girl home from the hospital ON Turkey day and this year's gobble gobble day we are celebrating her 7th birthday!!


She was so excited that her birthday was falling on Thanksgiving day, she was excited to eat turkey AND cake..LOL!

What a Girlie girl she is, I got her this dress and she loved it..How grown up she is starting to look, can't believe how fast she is growing!











So this is the cake and that is supposed to be a #7...Hmmm there was some debate, some were saying that it was a #1...It might be..OOOOPSS!













We were gonna spend the day at my Mother in laws house.. I usually cook every year, but this year I wasn't in the cooking spirit...So we went over there..Now mind you, my family always ate Thanksgiving dinner early in the day..Well we go over there around 4ish and nothing is done...We were starving.. I wanted to save my appetite and calories for there..<~~ dieting! Well Luis was like "Lets go" Ummm okay where are we gonna eat on Thanksgiving, everything is closed..he was so sure that McDonald's was open.. Well we start driving around and sure enough everything is closed!

We finally went to a open grocery store and bought bread and bologna...Happy Bologna Day...!!




The day turned out really good though...Good food and family..We had a cake and sang to my beautiful 7 year old...Love you baby girl! What a special little girl you are Ava, for years I never thought I was gonna be a "mommy" and you came into my life and changed that..Thanks for giving me the best name I have ever been called..."Mommy" and couldn't ask for a sweeter, gentler, loving little girl..you make my life complete..

P.S now can you slow down...LOL!

Trick or Treat "2010"

Halloween is super fun for the kids..It's also my real fathers birthday..So I think of him a lot on Halloween! Wish I would have got to know him more..

But back to the candy!! Costumes to me are a HUGE waste of money and now a days there SO expensive..But this year I got lucky. I won a gift card from JM and it took forever for me to get it, so it came just in time to get the girls costumes..

I got creative this year..Leave it to my girls and they will always be PRINCESSES...lol!

So I changed it up a bit Angel/Devil...

Ava was a Angel..which for the post part she IS..oh she has her days, don't get me wrong.. but what a caring/gentle little girl she is..

Zoey was the devil..which SHE is! She can be sweet but when she is mad..Oh watch out! She has a temper on her boy!

Nevaeh was...WELL a half angel; half devil..=)Which she is..You can actually see a little of both girls in her..Sweetness and the BAD...





So there costumes were super cute and fitting..lol I ordered them from Amazon and didn't have to put a penny in..Worked out good!

Halloween day..we had planned to go to the pumpkin patch again but we decided to stay close by..Beba and A.J came out with us...He was the cutest darn brobee ever..


We found the prettiest looking spot with a whole bunch of leaves, we started out on the big sidewalk filled with leaves but then ended up in the front yard of a empty house..Forgive us for we trespassed, but it was for a good cause..Needed great pictures!











We were impatient to start trick or treating..so we went and visited the haunted house first..Then started the candy getting part, have to say this year was super slow, lots of streets were dark..Not too many giving out candy..


It was really super hard with two little ones, strollers taking them in and out..Or carrying them...Beba and I were complaining and talking about what a Pain in the ass it was...So for next year we came up with a master plan (dream) that we would throw a Halloween party with LOTS of candy and hand it out from MY own home..<~~dream part! but if not I am sure we will forget the hassle and DO IT ALL AGAIN next year...LOL!

Pumpkin Picking....

I have never been pumpkin picking so it was a new experience for me also, and a fun one at that!! The place we went was beautiful...The trees and scenery was gorgeous..Picture heaven..and boy were the cameras out..I never seen so many cameras in one place..










The kids had a good time looking for pumpkins and we even went in the stinky petting zoo...We won't be doing that again though, my kids didn't even want to feed the animals...They were afraid! But it was still fun!!

We walked around for a while took lots of pictures and then my Mother in law and Yolanda came to meet us there..Great family fun, All of us..Beba and Baby A.J were with us also..we had a really nice time..

Mama let the kids each pick out a pumpkin..Got a good deal cause if you guessed the weight of the pumpkins you get em free...We got 3 of them for nothing =)

This is the finished product...

Remembering my angels..

I AM a miscarriage survivor, that is a strong statement..Because it is one of the hardest and worse pain I have ever felt in my life..

I am a mother to an angel baby, 2 of them..

October 15th is pregnancy & Infant loss Remembrance day..and this is my candle lit in memory of my 2 angel babies..

I have experienced 2 miscarriages, both very different..The first was very early on, basically the baby just never grew..When I went in for the U/S they said that it could be that I was earlier then expected..When I went back still nothing..My first loss..Even though there was no baby, I grieved like I carried that baby 9 months and gave birth..That was MY baby, and then it was gone. I lay in bed for days. I mourned and hated myself and wondered what "I DID" or "DIDN'T DO"...It was the hardest weeks of my life..But them I remembered how much God blessed me with Ava and needed to get up and live for her..But I always remembered..

I then went on to have Zoey..

I found out I was pregnant again and what a happy time it was..We weren't trying but we sure weren't avoiding either..So I was pregnant again..and when I got pregnant with Zoey I was so scared, my whole pregnancy kept expecting the worse and dreaded each appointment and worried and prayed..But yet here was this beautiful baby..So with this pregnancy I let go of the fear..Just enjoyed it..Well my fears came back and bit me..

This is the story..

I was close to being 5 months..We heard the heartbeat on June 1st and when I went back on June 8th there was no longer a heartbeat..Luis didn't come with, because it was just to get results of tests...but while I was there my midwife said "You want to listen to your baby again" Of course..I just laid there as she moved it all around to find the heartbeat and her smile on her face was so comforting to me..But minutes later her face started to change..Little more worried look on her face and she tells me..were gonna go do a quick U/S because sometimes this could miss it..

So we go into the room and they do the U/S and there is my baby on the screen...They look at me and tell me.."I am so sorry, but there is no heartbeat"...I just started crying and couldn't understand, why! I had heard the heartbeat a week before...I was close to being 5 months..I was due November 17th..My mom was there with me but she has never been good at the whole support thing, she didn't even hug me. I was alone and hurt. I wanted someone to wake me up from this horrible nightmare..I wanted it to be wrong!I drove home the whole way crying..

When I got home..I walked in and Luis looked at me and I said the words "The baby's gone"..He didn't know what I was talking about, he didn't understand..I was only going there for some results...When I made it more clear, I could barely talk..He just grabbed me and held me..He broke down months later...He held it in for a long time...

My baby stayed inside me "sleeping" the whole weekend..It was a Friday..

They gave me two choices. Put me to sleep and take the baby out DnC or give birth..So they would induce me, which from having Ava and Zoey induced..I already knew what it was like..It was like hell, both times in labor over 24 hours..For what, to come out with a baby that wouldn't cry, a baby that wouldn't be breathing..I had no idea what my baby would look like. But even though I still wanted to do it..Luis was very against it. He kept saying Laur, that is gonna be so hard for you, Don't do it, don't put yourself through more pain.."You won't be able to handle it"..Gosh he was right to some point.. It may have been harder in that moment..

But now and even today most of all..I wish I would have given birth to my "sleeping baby". I couldn't find out the sex, the position of the baby we couldn't tell..If I would have given birth I would know. I would have been able to hold my baby in my arms, even if it was just for a little while, I would have been able to kiss his/her forehead and even give that baby a name..I always refer to the baby as my "Angel" baby! My heart and head battle over the decision that I made, I let myself keep thinking "what if" Would it make this hole in my heart feel any different..Would it make the pain a little less..WHAT IF?

But that baby, actually both babies live on..through my girls..In everything they do..In Ava's beautiful soul, her caring ways. In Zoey's beautiful smile and that spunk of hers..In Nevaeh's laughter and little temper..and most of all in her name..
"Nevaeh-HEAVEN..where my sweet angels rest..HOPE..one of the strongest words, I never gave up HOPE after I lost my angels..I knew that God would bless me again and he did..After each loss came a blessing..First one, then came Zoey..Second one, then came Nevaeh.."Everything happens for a reason" Does that mean that I would not have my two sweet girls? Doesn't make the pain any less but I just know how God works in mysterious ways..

"Even in your darkest hour there is always HOPE"..

I think about women that SO desperately want a baby and CAN'T and how my heart aches for them..For a long time I believed I could not have children..I can remember times of driving home from work balling my eyes out thinking that I would not ever be a mother..My heart goes out to them women today as well..Cause even though some of them have not suffered a loss, the pain of not having a child and not being able to conceive is a loss just the same to me. There are some women that don't deserve to be mothers and ARE and there are women that only want to be a mother and CAN'T..I don't understand that..but again..God knows why he does things..

I leave this U/S picture in my curio with my cousins picture..He has passed also and I know that he looks after my babies..so does all that have been lost to me, but not forgotten..My grandparents, Father, brother, Stepfather...Until we all meet again..

I have a little sticker on the frame of the Ultrasound picture..It says..

"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

I have strong, Faith!

Girl, Girl, Girl.....Great!

So I love having all girls...But there are times that I really-really LOVE it even more...It really has it's ups....

1.They can all take a bath together..Really cuts bath time down..

2.Hand me downs..I save everything. clothes, shoes, toys etc..I save a lot of money this way..Plus since Ava is so tiny at the moment, they actually pretty much fit each other's clothes so they share most of there clothes..I know that won't last long..Soon it will be

"Stop going in my closet"
"That's my sweater"...
"Those are my shoes"...

3.My girls share a room. Right now we live in a 2 bedroom apartment. So I have Ava and Zoey together..If were here a lot longer. *Which I SO hope not* Vae may join them in there.. I know that as they get older it will be a complaint..

"I want my own room"
" I need my own privacy"
"Please knock before you come in MY room"

..but for now there okay sharing!


4.Girls night is really awesome..We don't have to fight with anyone about what kind of movie we watch..always GIRLIE and of course painting the nails and toes..makes for a great girlie night! I know one day it may be..

"Going to the movies with friends"
"I have plans, mom.Busy"

5.I love the way they love each other..They are not only sisters they are "BEST FRIENDS"

You know most of the things that go on now, the sharing and getting along won't last, so I am gonna cherish it. I know that soon it will be a house full of teenage girls always fighting..Shh I won't admit it to too many people but I am actually looking forward to that..BUT NOT TOO SOON though...lol

Recovery and "Back 2 School"

Well that was a long and hard recovery for my girl..She was in SO much pain. Moments of just uncontrollable screaming and crying in pain...I kept going over it in my head.."Did I need to do this surgery" Was it really worth the pain she is in" "Will she ever forgive me" =( It's really hard to watch your child in pain and not be able to do anything about it..

The first few days she stayed in bed the whole time..She would get out of bed only to use the bathroom..She threw up the first night, most likely from the anesthesia. She didn't really want to eat or drink. But I kept pushing them both, but mostly the liquids..What kid don't want lots of ice cream..Mine!!

I stopped the meds they gave her from the hospital because they were hurting her stomach. I tried Motrin at that point..I continued to use that, but of course Motrin is tough on the belly too, plus me and my googling..It was talking about "more likely to cause bleeding" and I freaked..So I stopped that one also. I was doing just plain acetaminophen..it did help with the belly pain..

About 3 to 4 days after she started getting out of bed a little more...Especially when the meds were working..I would let her go on the laptop to play, she loved that. One night we even stayed up really late and finger painted while everyone else was sleeping. I just loved seeing her smile, it was like sunshine through a really bad storm..Anything that could make her forget the pain, even if it was only for a little while..

The nights were still the worse..She would wake up hitting her head cause the pain must have been that bad..Then she would fight me to take the meds..She tried spitting it out..I just wanted to take that pain from her..=(

Day 5 to 8 was SO much worse..It was not only bad at night..It was bad pretty much all day. I heard from a few people and the hospital that, this was because the scabs were coming off...OUCH!!!!! She was in SO much pain! Then the way they had her on the table must have gave her a sore neck, cause she could barely move her head..The meds didn't really do anything for her.

After that it would just be the occasional whine here and there..but overall she was feeling better..

Monday was Columbus day so she had the day off anyways..So I was gonna send her on Tuesday but she was whining a little the night before and she didn't finish a few pages from her packet of homework..So I gave her one more day..

But today she went "Back to school" When she came home and I asked her how her day was..she said "It was the best day ever" She brought her tooth to show everyone..Silly girl..

Thank God..It was a really hard recovery, but YES it was worth it..Because do you hear that?? Nope, not a peep from my sleeping Ava...
People the operation was a success!